internet literature

Monday, June 2, 2008

BEHOLD...THE GOLDEN BEAR!

Explain the Jaguar Uprising mission, How it came to be, and why Zachary German and the likes have been targeted.

First of all! Hello, internet! I am THE GOLDEN BEAR! (...thegoldenbear!)
The Jaguar Uprising is the most talented and dynamic group of writer-athletes the world has ever seen. The Jaguar Uprising is coming for the belts. We are serious, we are sincere. Our initial aspirations are small: Infiltrate online literary community and exploit it. Zachary German is just a small salmon, The Golden Bear's gonna gobble him up in no time. The Jaguar Uprising's got bigger fish to fry. Our plan is simple. It starts with Tao Lin. From Tao Lin, Dean Koontz. From Dean Koontz, the world.
But actually, if I'm being completely honest (and I am being completely honest because I am the Captain of Candor, the Sultan of Sincerity, and the General of Genuineness), I'd say the primary mission of the Jaguar Uprising is making money.

A lot of time has been spent mocking the Bear Parade and it's writers. The Bore Parade website is one example of this. Are online feuds a legitimate hobby?

The Golden Bear doesn't really "understand" this "question", but will try his "Golden" "best" to give you a "Golden" "answer".
Look, The Golden Bear is an entertainer. The Golden Bear is a writer-athlete. The Golden Bear loves his fans. The Golden Bear has a responsibility to those fans. By talking his Golden shit, The Golden Bear's is just trying his best to give his fans what they want, while keeping the rest of these bear parading mother-fuckers on their toes.
For Golden example, The Golden Bear read on your blog that "Eat When You Feel Sad" is "funny". What? That shit is not funny. Baconator's are funny. P.O.D. is funny. Feeling fucking great is funny. "Eat When You Feel Sad" is depressing and dumb.
My final "Golden" "answer" to your "Golden" "question": Online shit talking is most certainly a legitimate hobby, because it creates controversy and Kontroversy Kreates Kash™.

Are you offended by vegans?

Yes.

Once your Kash and been accumulated and your Golden kingdom lay claimed, what then will you do?

I don't really know. Me, and The American Mystic Man; Two Tears Boye have a couple of screenplays in the works, either for major motion picture events or a syndicated television series.
The Golden Bear will probably use the money to buy a professional wrestling ring and me and the rest of the guys from the Uprising will learn how to wrestle for real. I can finally practice my finishing move, "The Hibernator" which is a modified frog-splash from the top rope.

Your talk of global domination sounds much like dictators of the past, who have failed. Do you think your brand of domination will be effective? Will the Jaguar Uprising adequately fill the creative void that would ensue?

Well, the thing about the Jaguar Uprising is, and I think I may have misrepresented the uprising earlier in my haste to be witty and interesting; it's not about really about one person, one group, or one set of ideologies. The Jaguar Uprising is about taking literature back to the common man. Tao Lin, Zachary German, and a lot of the other bear paraders are writing from a certain niche, for a certain niche. A hyper-aware set of self-conscious, hip, vegan, New Yorkers. The Golden Bear likes to read books, The Golden Bear likes to write. The Golden Bear does not identify as a hyper-aware self-conscious hip vegan New Yorker. The Golden Bear identifies as a Golden Bear. T.T.B. identifies as an American Mystic Man. Daryl identifies as both a blacksmith and the greatest right-fielder of all time. We want to be accessible to everyone, mystic men, blacksmiths, right fielders, and bears.
Sorry, that's really long, but to give you the short answer, no, we can't fail because the Jaguar Uprising represents everyone, and everyone can't be wrong.

Keeping 'Kash' in mind, what golden beer will sponsor the golden bear?

Koch's Golden Anniversary beer from High Falls Brewing Company in Rochester, New York. It is a Golden can that is wearing a red ribbon and a gold medal.

If there were two things the American people needed to know, what would they be?

Hmmm, that's a good question. Since The Golden Bear is the Captain of Candor, the first thing the American people need to know is that it is important to always be honest, in everything. And the second thing is to wear sunscreen.

Is the Jaguar Uprising a collectivist society or is there specifically one all-star they care to promote?

Wow, another good question, you are really working hard here. I think in principle we are a collectivist society as I mentioned earlier, but if I had to pick a leader or all-star, I'd have to say it's The Industry, Mike Bushnell. That guy is so dedicated to his work and our cause and I'd like nothing more in life than to see him score a 15 book deal with some publishing company. We recently went to New York City for Tao Lin's launch party, and I heard people say that I, The Golden Bear, was the leader of the Uprising. While I'm flattered, this is not the case. The Jaguar Uprising rises and falls on The Industry's whim, win or lose, he decides.

Is turning the masses on to professional wrestling a main goal for the Jaguar Uprising?

Ok, Mr. Mike of the Farside, you've been on a roll, but The Golden Bear is disappointed with this question. You need to do some research. The Masses ARE turned on to professional wrestling. World Wrestling Entertainment, the largest professional wrestling promotion in the history of the world, rakes in about 350 million dollars in revenue per year. They broadcast 7,000 hours of original programming in over 100 international markets. The official website, WWE.com gets over 250 million page views a month. I'd like to see Tao Lin do that.
A better question would have been, "is turning the literary community on to professional wrestling a goal of the Jaguar Uprising". The answer to that question would be yes, yes it is.
What hook of the wrestling entertainment phantasmo should excite the literary community? Believing of course the WWE staff writers will be spared, how will they fit in with Regime?
The writers will not be spared. They are terrible. The WWE product is terrible. The writers will be first to go. We will be the writers. You can be a writer. The Golden Bear will be a writer. The talent is in the wrestlers themselves and the characters they create. They are storytellers. Some of them are very good at it. You should all check out this blog post, which has a good example of "promos" which are interviews wrestlers give to promote themselves and their characters. In the first one, notice the similarities with The Golden Bear.

I feel I'm getting off target. I want to know more about the hierarchy of the Jaguar Uprising. Who executes what?

Ummm. Hierarchy? We don't really have a hierarchy, we just all sort of do our own thing. Like I said, The Industry is probably the most dedicated, in the sense that he regularly produces literature. Daryl is the most dedicated in terms of randomly posting long and incoherent shit on other people's comment boards. TTB is so mystic it's hard to tell what he's up to. He also owes Bear Parade ZZZZZ ZZZ ZZZZZZ, which we are still waiting on. Basically, we need more people for the uprising. If you are reading this and you write, or draw, or make movies, e-mail your shit to elkjaguar@gmail.com. If it is good we will post it. If you are reading this and you feel as though you have a pro-wrester in your heart, find a macbook and record a promo. It will be hilarious, I promise.

What is the most significant piece of literature the Uprising has produced as a whole, is it the satire and plagiarism of "Drink and You'll Feel Fucking Great?" Or something else we should look at?

The Golden Bear likes "Drink And You'll Feel Fucking Great" because The Golden Bear wrote it. I also don't think it's plagiarism, because I don't believe in plagiarism. I think the Gospel of Tom Cruise is very good. TTB has a story that is not on the internet, but it is very good. A lot of what we write we haven't posted yet. I have a story about the Chris Benoit murder-suicides that we haven't done anything with. "Tidal" is forthcoming from Mike Bushnell. So really, just stay tuned good stuff will be coming. The Jaguar Uprising may be goofy and somewhat lazy, but we have talent, and we are coming for the belts.

I will ask one more question to conclude this interview. First I want to thank you for your candor and ask to be spared as well during this siege. Who is the greatest wrestler of all time?

Holy fucking shit Mike from farside. You're not messing around, huh? You just went straight for the jugular. I don't know if I can answer this question. How would I pick. Technical skill? In-ring ability? Mic-skills? Charisma? Athleticism? General craziness? How bout I give you a list?

In no particular order:

'The Nature Boy' Ric Flair, 'The American Dream' Dusty Rhoads, Hulk Hogan, The Ultimate Warrior, 'The Million Dollar Man' Ted Debiase, Santino Marella, Bret 'The Hitman' Hart, The Undertaker, Jake 'The Snake' Roberts, 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin, The Rock, Curry Man, Kurt Angle, 'The Heartbreak Kid' Shawn Michaels, Vince McMahon, Mick Foley, Sabu, Kane, Murdoch, Jim Morrison 'the shaman of sexy', DX, NwO, The Ministry, The Corporation, The Corporate Ministry, Christian Cage, Edge, Itchweed, Memphis, Jerry 'The King' Lawler, Sting (kinda), The Nation of Domination, JBL, John Cena, Triple H, Umaga, William Regal, Tom Cruise, Tatanka, Doink, Hornswaggle, Chris Benoit, Ken Kennedy, Carlito (kinda), Jim 'the anvil' Niedhart, Ken Shamrock, The Big Bossman, Latino Heeeat, Owen Hart, D'lo Brown, Gangrel, Meat, Al Snow, The Goodfather, The Godfather, Savio Vega, Val Venis, Gillberg, Bob Holly, Steve Blackman, George 'the animal' Steele, Mosh and Thrasher, The Legion of Doom, Mantaur, 'rowdy' Roddy Piper, Dean Malenko, Too Sexy and Too Hot, Curt Hennig, Macho Man, Disco Inferno, Booker T, La Parka, 'the loose cannon' Brian Pillman, Papa Shango, The Shockmaster, Dino Bravo, Honky Tonk Man, I.R.S., 'nature boy' Buddy Rogers, Dynamite Kid, King Kong Bundy, Killer Kowalski, Sycho Sid, Ax and Smash, Balls Mahoney, the Von Erichs, Mike Tyson, Bobby 'the brain' Hennan, Taz, 'cowboy' bob orton, Awesome Kong, Super Crazy, Festus, Hillbilly Jim, Bam Bam Bigelow

Thanks for the interview Mike from Farside. I love you.

-The Golden Bear!

(...thegoldenbear!)

6 comments:

TTB said...

Sounds like a solid bear to me.


GILLBERG!

losloseeboy said...

His name MILES, not Mike.

Fucking reading comprehension, BRAH!

Ana said...

Losee, that was me doing the interview. Miles just posted it cuz I'm retarded.

Michael said...

whoops. i mean that's me.

losloseeboy said...

The internet pulls off some more of its black magic.

mi said...

haha. Ana interview GOLDEN
BEAR