this is what i'm doing and this is what i feel

i am lying in my bed with a digital
alarm clock and a laptop. there is
a sierra nevada on my windowsill,
in reach. "uncle sam's yard" by
decidbully is playing on my labtop.

it's 1 AM and i've been taking ten minute
naps in intervals. i want to finish
three beers and take a shower before i
give in to really sleeping.

earlier, i worked 14 hours, going through
security checks, pulling thousand foot
long cables through dirty city streets,
and zooming in and out on alter flowers
and priests.

i was working so much, i was saying
things to people without really thinking
them through like i usually do, and they
were just 'normal small talk' things.

it was like we knew exactly what to do,
we didn't need to talk about it, so
we said little things, amidst actions
that many people have performed
time and time again in the past.

i had to say other things too that
didn't seem necessary, but in order
to avert confrontation or awkwardness;
like i had to pretend to be interested.

i feel like i burst through
the safety gate on a ski jump
without thinking about it.
and that there is a thick
wax behind me, where i came from,
and in front, where i'm going, too.